no point in reading this post unless you want to hear about my rantings about getting called lol.~~~
i'd skip reading it =p. -VENT SESSION in session-

i'm sitting here in a tiny warm library-provided shielded cubicle desk space thing, reading a few lines about Darwin's ideas of evolutionary change, but my mind is totally somewhere else. don't get me wrong, this personal space is quite comfy and secluded(just how i want it to be), yet i can't help but wonder why in the world would she (my ex-friend i do not acknowledge of even knowing anymore) call me twice?
what does she want from me?
do i really care? no...not really, but she left me a voicemail apparently, but at this point...would it be wise for me to listen to what she has to say? probably not, because it makes no damn difference. half of me just wants to delete the voice mail altogether( hey i deleted the missed call history already), but i think that would also make me just as immature and ignorant as her.
now i'm left with the choice of
1) listening to the voicemail; (if it even is a valid message) even if what she said on it was just to get me angry; even if it upsets me; or maybe chuckle at her chuckle at her fxcked up words.
2) delete the voicemail; pretend i never got it; so i would not have the chance of getting hurt over what she has to say or blame on me.

i think my decision can wait 'till after i get home from school. i feel better though because i let out what was going through my head.
honestly should i care at all?
nah! no matter what she has to say nothing will change my mind. i'm through with her. no friendship exists anymore. no friendship truly existed because it was just denial. i was in complete denial. all it was, was the manipulating, ridiculing, and using of me. also was made possible by attempting to justify it, by sugar-coating it with lies and calling it 'tough love' in a close 'friendship'. i am no longer in denial and for that i'm very cery thankful. i'm thankful for all the good people i'm lucky enough to have in my life.<----blah i always seem to make my posts so cheesy and unnecessarily thankful lol.

my main point would be:
in life, you can't please everyone.
the person you have to please is yourself.
you can't get along with everyone you encounter.
if it doesn't work out, it's okay.
some types of personalities repel, so it isn't necessarily always your fault.
i think of it this way: it's like the positively and negatively charged ends of a magnet.
people are like magnets.
some are positively charged; others are negatively charged( by no means am i saying that some people are good and some people are bad, i'm just using the positives and negatives as an example).
let's say you met someone you clash with, someone you just can't get along with even if it meant saving your own life. it probably would be best if you did get along with them but it's just not plausible.
you might want to fix ties between you and that person, yet you can't figure out how.
you might keep on trying to work out misunderstandings with them, but it might not ever be solved.
you can't make two 'same charged' ends of a magnet attract one another, because it is physically impossible.
that's okay because there are plenty of other magnets out there.
it would be nice if all magnets attracted, but it's never going to work out that way. o_o
maybe it's best if we weren't fully compatible with every single person out there.
people are different from one another.
we may have similar likes and dislikes.
we have clashing points.
it isn't the end of the world if so and so doesn't like me.
or if so and so treats me poorly.
why should i stick around? there is no valid reason to, and i think that is a perfectly okay decision.


edit;

i think ultimately. i'm not going to check that voice mail. i'm going to delete it. i have the right to ignore it because no matter what it contains, my choice is set in stone. i am never EVER going back to being friends with people like her. not now not ever.

i'm going do my best to throw away the doubts i've manufactured in my head.
i'm going to go with my heart's instincts and let it lead me; if things go wrong then i'll deal with it when it does.
                                                                                     ^^^^^^ see this?
                                                                            i cannot think this way anymore.
                                                         (this DOES NOT EXIST until it actually happens.)

i do believe that you sincerely care and i do believe that you would tell me otherwise if you didn't.
i know you're a brutally honest person, so i know that if you felt any other way you would tell me if i asked you so.
i want to believe in this more than anything.
the decaying is just all a pigment of my imagination.
i'm very glad to know you and i'm not going to let my silly negative thoughts pull me away from you.
i'm going to hang on very tight. as if i'm hanging on for dear life.
i'm not going to give up because there's always hope.
i'm not afraid of you; i don't think you're psychotic or insane at all; no matter what you're never going to be too strange for me.
i'll always try to do my best to cheer you up when you're feeling down.
you can always count on me to attempt to, even if i fall flat on my face trying to.
i may not be the most reliable or interesting person at times, but if you need anything don't hesitate to ask me.
i know i'm sometimes emotionally unstable/ emotionally insane, but don't worry if anything we can get through all the bad moments together.

what i'm trying to say is i will do my best to put aside my doubts and pull myself together for the sake of myself and for the sake of being with you.

 
 
"...That's why I'm singing, "Baby, don't worry, cause now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to paaaaaass, and I will keep you company through those days so long and black. And we'll just keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve, of love's uneven remainder, our lives are fractions of a whole." -Bright Eyes

i think the thought that has been bugging me the most is how distant i am(physically) from the friends i wish i could see every single day. i mean really? why would i let something silly like this bother me so much? it somehow occasionally does though. here and there. a few thoughts daily. even just a few thoughts can be devastating to my mood though. i think that's why i spazz out in those moments when i'm sad, but i don't know why.

because of such a far distance, i think of myself as a lone wolf. i guess kind of like a hermit when it comes to having the choice to talk to others sometimes i don't take up on that offer. when i do, i just feel like i'm left with an empty hole. i don't think even the tiniest amounts of human interactions are enough for me. usually i stray away from conversations with new people because in my mind...i already have this programmed thought of...fuck...they'll probably either think one of two things.

one...GOSH this girl must be such a loner...to have started small talk with me...who does she think she is?
two...oh...wow this girl is randomly friendly okay...but she's kind getting on my nerves.
maybe even three...this girl isn't even worth talking to.

i mean i try to unprogram these thoughts out of my head but it takes time. it takes a few encounters before i can actually get it completely out of my system, but even after...my doubts come back to me. i'm sure it's no fun for people who know me or have to deal with me. i'm always asking... "am i bothering you? am i annoying you? please tell me if i do."

i have that notion tattooed in my head; i can't get it out. i know nothing is forever not all relationships or friendships are written in stone. things change. people change. shit happens. i'm supposed to live and not be scared of this random shit that might happen, but i can't shake it off. what's wrong with me? i really don't want to have to think about worrying about losing people, but if i keep being this insecure about things people will start to get annoyed anyway.

like hedgieeee said i should i want to believe in myself so that others might actually see the okay and the nice qualities i might have, but it's so hard.

if anything i know that i'm definitely not backing down from defending what i want and persons i know i care about, but sometimes i feel like my mind just gives up without any second thoughts of fighting. what i mean is, i assume someone feels a certain way about me, or i assume that someone is too busy or doesn't wish to talk to me, and that makes me all gloomy mood-ed. assuming is bad. oh so bad. +__+ but why do i alway come to the conclusion that this is the case...then hours later i realize it was stupid and get over. what a twisted and retarded cycle i go through. how am i supposed to quit doubting myself? my mentality is...damn i've had abusive friends who weren't even nice enough to be called friends. i'm stuck on that thought. what does it feel like to be treated like an actual human being? it feels like this? oh shit...this can't be real. this can't be happening. they must be teasing me. where is the punch line? where is the end of this kindness? what's the trick? sigh. i don't know where i'm heading with this thought. just more gibberish! .__.

maybe my point is, how can i get rid of these doubts? how can i take away the doubts that consume me? i know i'm not alone, but sometimes i can't help but feel that i am. how will i believe in myself more and not assume that the friends i care about will someday want to leave me? @_@

at school and on the way home from school i'm pretty much in a happy-go-lucky mood, but after a few hours of getting home...

my happy mood disappears and ...

i want to cry, but i don't even know why.
i think i'm an insane emotional wreck at times. =__= times like...now.
things are barely starting and they're just fine, but i feel like any day now...i will fall apart for no reason.

i'm so mood-changing. =-= why am i crying?

i want to talk to certain people, but at the same time i don't want to talk to anyone. i just want to go back to bed.
it's a terrible remedy for my blues. when i'm sad i just get depressed, grab my ipod and go back to bed.

i bet hours from now...i'll be back to being hyper. life's rollercoasters of emotions. =/.

i don't know how i manage to ALWAYS be late, but i am that sort of person that somehow makes it happen haha. O__O.
let's see. i was feeling really anxious and nervous as i walked out to the bus stop today around 10 something am. the first bus stop bench i see...i sit down there for about oh =__= 5-10 minutes. then somehow through my nervousness i realize that i'm a damn fool for sitting there like an idiot...waiting for the wrong bus. embarrassed...i walked to the crosswalk and wait for the light to change. while i was waiting...the bus i actually needed to take...comes...and i miss it by like a few seconds. now sitting at the right bus stop, i wait another 15 minutes for the next bus to come. the whole ride there i was paranoid about getting to class late T-T. my computer class started at 11:10, yet i got off of the bus at around 11:15. i made it in time to get my spot in the class at least though. the professor is really pleasant. the class seems pretty straightforward too! i didn't talk to anyone around me though because i got there late. so today has been pretty much a not-encountering people sort of day.

it feels like a tough day because it's my first day back at school and i'm not interacting with anyone. i completely ditched my mean friends and i'm doing fine. But...tuesdays will suck for sure. i have about 3 and a half hours of break between one class and the next. i have nothing interesting to do. blah. only 2 hours or so to go! T_T
i thought tuesdays might not be so bad...but i'm already annoyed of this too long of a break. i'm excited for my next class though! =D so i guess staying positive is good!